I've come to the conclusion...

I've come to the conclusion that I have no friends. Ok, so thats a lie. I have friends. Just the ones I want to hang out with live minimum 5 hours away. How the hell am I supposed to be happy and do things when I have nobody to do them with. My one friend that lives close has no drivers license, two kids, and a husband. So, its pretty boring doing stuff when I the one that always hasto drive. I don't have "the girls" to go have a drink with. I don't have anyone I can call up and say "hey, wanna go to a movie tonight"

Some where I've lost myself...or rather I'm starting to feel like there never was a me... or barely. I was dutiful daughter. Did everything by the book. Until I hit 18. Lived with my parents til I was 20 and then moved to a completely different city into a house with my boyfriend and his friends. And became dutiful gf. So.....when was I "me". Is this "me"? Is this all there is to me?

I was talking to my sister today and something clicked. Not once in my entire life has my opinion mattered. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but does anyone even hear me? I don't know how many times someone has asked me my opinion. Listened. Or rather pretended to listen. And then did the complete opposite of what I suggested. So if I seem quiet, its because I feel like there is no need to talk.

I feel like I've lost myself. Like I've lost who I wanted to be. Nothing is ever about me. Weather its supposed to be or not. Its always about someone else. I know that makes me selfish, but when is it my time to be in the spotlight.......ever?


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