Marriage and babies...

There is nothing I want more at this time in my life than to get married and have another baby... BUT I can't do that on my own. My boyfriend, of 9 years, has a phobia I think. Every once in awhile I get my hopes up and then get depressed. So I just don't care anymore.

Recently I've been nagged and nagged and nagged about when we are having another. Well guess what. NOT NOW! We have a beautiful 5 year old boy. We love each other and after being together for 9 years, really....is it necessary.

Yes I want to marry this man. Yes I want more kids with this man. I am only 27 years old. I still have time. I'm just getting really really REALLY tired of people asking. SO STOP ASKING!!! Or teasing. Just cause everyone else (ok, not everyone) has a perfect life. Marriage, then kids, blah blah blah!

So then my family is being retarded. My mom has pretty much made it clear that her husbands kids are more important. WHATEVER! Can't stand her husband! They've talked about moving out here and I DO NOT want it to happen. I can't handle them that close. Yes I love my mom. Yes I would like to see her more than once every 2 years. But NO I do not want her close enough to show up for coffee. I've told I don't know how many times how much I'd like them to come for a visit. Or for her to come. She doesn't work. But she won't come without HIM. There is always some excuse.

My dad was MIA for 4 days. He apparently forgot to pay his phone bill. It makes me so mad. Why the hell can't you afford to pay a $50 phone bill. Too many drugs? Too much alcohol? I just don't get it. He was supposed to call me... that was on monday....its now thursday and no phone call...

I'm just SO frustrated with everyone! Leave me alone! seriously!

I'm at the point where I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to be around anyone. I want to take my son and run away from everyone that I know or am related too.

I've come to the conclusion...

I've come to the conclusion that I have no friends. Ok, so thats a lie. I have friends. Just the ones I want to hang out with live minimum 5 hours away. How the hell am I supposed to be happy and do things when I have nobody to do them with. My one friend that lives close has no drivers license, two kids, and a husband. So, its pretty boring doing stuff when I the one that always hasto drive. I don't have "the girls" to go have a drink with. I don't have anyone I can call up and say "hey, wanna go to a movie tonight"

Some where I've lost myself...or rather I'm starting to feel like there never was a me... or barely. I was dutiful daughter. Did everything by the book. Until I hit 18. Lived with my parents til I was 20 and then moved to a completely different city into a house with my boyfriend and his friends. And became dutiful gf. So.....when was I "me". Is this "me"? Is this all there is to me?

I was talking to my sister today and something clicked. Not once in my entire life has my opinion mattered. I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but does anyone even hear me? I don't know how many times someone has asked me my opinion. Listened. Or rather pretended to listen. And then did the complete opposite of what I suggested. So if I seem quiet, its because I feel like there is no need to talk.

I feel like I've lost myself. Like I've lost who I wanted to be. Nothing is ever about me. Weather its supposed to be or not. Its always about someone else. I know that makes me selfish, but when is it my time to be in the spotlight.......ever?

one more sleep....

I'm getting really excited, nervous, you name it... Doug is coming home tomorrow and it has been 17 days since we've seen him. Its been really hard. Thankfully I've been busy with dayhome and my dad came yesterday and he's keeping me company. Almost got everything ready for the company. Have to clean Austin's room and change the bed, make some tarts, chilli for dinner, an apple crisp. And maybe even some chocolate chip cookies and skor bar. MMMMMMMMMM.....so stay tuned tomorrow for YUMMY recipes and Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays. I might even post more then one recipe. MMMMmmmm.... I can't wait. Love baking and love eating it afterward I think the most... he he....SO BAD FOR THE DIET!.... Until tomorrow. Enjoy the season and have a great night!

very much needs alone time

I'm with children 24/7. Either mine or someone else's. My boyfriend is gone for 14-20 days out of a month and when he is home we have 'family' time. I try to get away even if its just to the grocery store at least once when he is home, but thats not what I want. I want to be able to lay in bed on a Saturday or Sunday and sleep in. I want to be able to read a book in the middle of the day without constant interruption. I want ONE, just one, day a week to myself. Hell I'd take a few hours that I could leave the house or lay on the couch without interruption(and I'm not talking about after Austin is in bed, cause I can't run up to the store or do anything) To be able to go to the bathroom without having someone follow me down the hall and ask what I'm doing. I want to be able to go crawl in to bed at 5pm if I'm not feeling well. I want to be able to clean the kitchen and NOT turn around two minutes later to find my clean counter has been used as a dumping ground for my son's toys, crafts, and shit. I don't want to feel like I'm a maid first, mom/friend/girlfriend last.

I know I'm on the verge of depression. I've felt the cloud hanging there, waiting, for a few months. I need to do something about it. Every time I talk to Doug about it all he says is there is nothing he can do and to go to the doctor. WELL YES there is something he can do. He can damn well get out of bed before noon(when he is home) and take his son somewhere. He can do a friggen load of laundry. He can clean up the kitchen after dinner.

I want to feel like a person again. I don't think I've ever been me. I've always been daughter. Do what mom says or deal with the silent treatment for weeks at a time. (worse punishment ever) Moved out of home to another city in a different province with my boyfriend. I went from dutiful daughter to dutiful girlfriend. I don't think I've ever had a chance to be me. To be young and foolish. To party with my girlfriends. I did party a bit, don't get me wrong, but it was always under the watchful eye of my boyfriend.

I don't know what to do anymore. I fell lost, confused, and overwhelmed with life.

June 30, 2009

So this is the last day of the month. I've made it a whole month so far with a picture a day. I'm very proud of that. I tool approx 150 pictures today. Sometimes I get in the mood and I take TONS of pictures. Here are just a few of the ones I've taken.

The little spider friend that I found. Never seen a spider that looked like this.

A nice farm picture. Love this one!

The crop duster plane that kept making rounds and would tilt just enough for a good picture on the way by. I think he must have seen me taking pictures.

My version of the Bakerella cupcake burgers and fries. http://bakerella.blogspot.com/2009/06/fast-food-fun.html

One of Teresa's little pansies in her planter baskets. I love pansies!

A good start and a bad ending...

Today was interesting to say the least. This morning was awesome. It was quiet and everyone was happy. As the day progressed it just seemed to get worse. "The Boy"refused to eat lunch. Red flad #1. Then he was in preschool all afternoon. When I went to pick him up the teacher tells me he fell off the swing and scratched his cheek and cut his lip. Red flag #2. So we come home and everything seemed to be fine. He played outside, rode his bike, and everything was good. We had dinner and he complained but that was the norm. Then back outside he went and rode his bike some more but he fell off and hurt his elbow. Now for a 4 year old this is something that just happens. But for mine red flag #3 was that he carried on about it for 45 minutes. So by this time I am getting frustrated and just want him to go to sleep and leave me alone. So we get the elbow all bandaged up and give him a very quick bath. Then I get him to lay down on the couch. He was asleep by 7pm. I put him in his bed and by 9pm he was awake and in the bathroom puking! YUCK! Just what I want to deal with at this point. He made 3 trips in 20 minutes just go pee. A sign of the body flushing out a bug. By 10 I got him back into bed and asleep but have stayed up making sure it doesn't happen again. Over the last year or so I find myself not hearing him in the middle of the night. So its been a rough evening. Somewhere during the day I've found time to take some pictures and I think a few have turned out. Night...

yet again a rushed photo

Yet again today I found no motivation to take pictures but I forced myself to go outside and take some. This is my favorite. I think I am going to try to take it again with the sun shining on it. I think it would look very nice. Especially with the blue sky behind it. It was taken at about 8pm with a rain storm on its way. Nothing to complain about today so I'm off to bed.....Good bye....until tomorrow

the mouse

Last night I decided to put out a few traps for our little visitor. I had seen him under the stove so I put some sticky paper traps under the edge of the stove. Well, apparently it was pretty dusty and dirty under there. I put the traps right at the edge. Just far enough in so that the cats wouldn't get their paws stuck to it. This morning I got up and took a look and I couldn't find the traps. So I started checking that cats making sure they didn't get it stuck to their long hair....

Right now I'm picture my cat, Kao, stuck to a fly trap. It was sitting in the window sill and he jumped up and got it stuck to his fur. Well he couldn't get it off and the more he tried the more stuck it got. Then he went running down the hall with it stuck to his belly between his legs. (Laughing out loud right now) I had to catch him and RIP it off his fur. I felt bad but it had to be done...

Okay. Sorry for the detour. So I found the cats and nothing. So I figure I should pull the stove out and see what's under there. ALOT of mouse crap, some hotwheels, a few marbles, some fridge magnets, and ALOT of dust bunnies. And of course my mouse traps where under there. Moved. They were covered in dust bunnies and mouse crap. SO, I figure that the mouse got stuck when it ran across but there was so much dust under there that it made the paper not so sticky and the mouse was on there long enough to crap itself and then get away.

So this morning I spent an hour cleaning under the stove and the sides of the stove and cupboards. Man I'm a messy cook...

So on another note...
The weather is great. My weekend sunburn is pretty much gone. I've decided to try a new route to getting my son to listen. In the last month he has started these fits. Every time you say no he starts crying and screaming. And its complete put on and fake. So I've decided that every time one of these fits happen I am taking 15 minutes off his bed time. I'll give it a week and see how it works.

Well I'm off til later when I come on to post my picture.

A mouse in my house

Sitting here last night waiting to go out I see something out of the corner of my eye. And there sitting under the edge of the stove is a mouse. It was quite large. I hate mice(among other creepy crawly things). So I went and bought mouse traps today. I don't want the task of cleaning mouse traps. BUT....since I'm the only adult in the house at this time I suppose its my duty.

Feeling kinda down today. Its finally hit that my hubby won't be home until the 15th. That will make him gone away from home for 22 days. IT SUCKS! I hate having him gone so long. Its not a normal thing for us. But his load just happens to take this long to get loaded :( I don't know how I will manage another 12 days without him. Life as a truckers wife sucks!

Ok so this is my picture of the day. I think its neat.