feeling sad

I'm sitting here this morning very cranky. All I want to do is to crawl into bed and sleep. I realized that the only time I'm happy these days is when I'm alone! Which is not very often. It makes me cry to come to that realization. I don't want my child in my face 24/7. I can't handle it anymore. I never get a break from him(or the children I babysit) When he's at school I have a housefull. Once in the last 5 years I have been able to stay home ALONE with nobody to bug me. Its very hard to deal with. No family to help out. No wonder I'm tired all the time. By the time I get Austin in bed, asleep, and I get to relax and get some alone time, its 10 pm. Then I watch a show or two and then its midnight. Then I have to get ready for bed and acutally go to sleep...12:30-1.....Then up at 7.....6-7hours of sleep is NOT enough. No wonder I can't loose weight. I'm stressed, exhausted, and depresssed.

very much needs alone time

I'm with children 24/7. Either mine or someone else's. My boyfriend is gone for 14-20 days out of a month and when he is home we have 'family' time. I try to get away even if its just to the grocery store at least once when he is home, but thats not what I want. I want to be able to lay in bed on a Saturday or Sunday and sleep in. I want to be able to read a book in the middle of the day without constant interruption. I want ONE, just one, day a week to myself. Hell I'd take a few hours that I could leave the house or lay on the couch without interruption(and I'm not talking about after Austin is in bed, cause I can't run up to the store or do anything) To be able to go to the bathroom without having someone follow me down the hall and ask what I'm doing. I want to be able to go crawl in to bed at 5pm if I'm not feeling well. I want to be able to clean the kitchen and NOT turn around two minutes later to find my clean counter has been used as a dumping ground for my son's toys, crafts, and shit. I don't want to feel like I'm a maid first, mom/friend/girlfriend last.

I know I'm on the verge of depression. I've felt the cloud hanging there, waiting, for a few months. I need to do something about it. Every time I talk to Doug about it all he says is there is nothing he can do and to go to the doctor. WELL YES there is something he can do. He can damn well get out of bed before noon(when he is home) and take his son somewhere. He can do a friggen load of laundry. He can clean up the kitchen after dinner.

I want to feel like a person again. I don't think I've ever been me. I've always been daughter. Do what mom says or deal with the silent treatment for weeks at a time. (worse punishment ever) Moved out of home to another city in a different province with my boyfriend. I went from dutiful daughter to dutiful girlfriend. I don't think I've ever had a chance to be me. To be young and foolish. To party with my girlfriends. I did party a bit, don't get me wrong, but it was always under the watchful eye of my boyfriend.

I don't know what to do anymore. I fell lost, confused, and overwhelmed with life.